


academic erasure, or, achilles and patroclus weren't Just Friends

by spellingmynamewrong



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, Humor, M/M, Meta, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin Live, Technically Epilogue Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:27:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25742818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spellingmynamewrong/pseuds/spellingmynamewrong
Summary: On a lovely April Tuesday in 2021, Rita Skeeter’s newest biography,The Tragic Life of Remus Lupin, Heroic Werewolf,was published.On a lovely April Wednesday in 2021, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin came back from the dead.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 28
Kudos: 124





	academic erasure, or, achilles and patroclus weren't Just Friends

On a lovely April Tuesday in 2021, Rita Skeeter’s newest biography, _The Tragic Life of Remus Lupin, Heroic Werewolf,_ was published.

On a lovely April Wednesday in 2021, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin came back from the dead. 

Or rather, they tumbled out of the dais holding the Veil in the Department of Mysteries, looking just as they did on the days that they died, except with fewer lines and grey hairs and appearing far angrier. That was quite hard to do, it must be said, given that both had died while duelling—and taunting—Death Eaters, better known by the denomination of “racist, violent fascists.”

The Unspeakables were stunned. For an Unspeakable, of course, appearing stunned simply meant displaying any noticeable deviation from their normal facial expression of stoicism. A more accurate description of the situation would be that the closest Unspeakable, Penelope Clearwater, found the corner of her mouth twitching up.

For the next six hours, the two men were subjected to detailed examination by both the Department of Mysteries and St. Mungo’s. This was not done voluntarily, at least not on the part of Sirius Black, who continuously declared that this was “a violation of my rights as a free individual in a republic, and I demand to be released immediately.” Such declarations were met with a flick of the wand and a Silencing Charm. 

After six hours, the Healers determined that the two men were indeed, as Unspeakable Clearwater had described them, “Professor Lupin and framed mass-murderer Sirius Black.” If Sirius had not still been under the influence of a Silencing Charm, he would have protested loudly at this description. As he _was_ still under the influence of a Silencing Charm, he merely sat sullenly, crossing his arms across his chest. The Healers also determined that while the two men had, for all legal and non-legal purposes, been dead for more than twenty years, the two men sitting in front of them currently were very much alive. 

The Unspeakables had done their best to discover just _how_ Black and Lupin had managed to return from the dead, but as neither of them were willingly to speak on the matter and Minister Granger firmly refused the Unspeakables’ requests to use Veritaserum, at four o’clock that afternoon, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were reluctantly released from St. Mungo’s and left to do whatever they pleased with their restored lives. 

Now, you might think that the first thing the two men did was find Harry Potter and hug him very tightly. This is unfortunately not true, as this was actually the second thing the two men did. You might also think that the first thing the two men did was take the time to explore their immediate surroundings, since London looked rather different in 2021 than it did in the 1990s. This is also not true.

The first thing Sirius Black and Remus Lupin actually did with their mysteriously restored lives was Apparate to the main office of _The Daily Prophet,_ march in angrily, and yell at Rita Skeeter, ignoring the bemused whispers from various journalists. 

Rita Skeeter, it must be said, was also incredibly confused. To her knowledge, after all, both Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had been dead for more than a third of her lifetime. The moment Sirius Black began yelling at her, however, her confusion was thoroughly replaced by sheer terror. 

“Rita Skeeter, do you not have _eyes?_ What letters were you fucking reading?” Sirius shouted as Rita did her best to shrink away. 

“I have no idea what you mean,” she said firmly, studying the man’s form. He did look _remarkably_ like Sirius Black. She wondered why no book had ever described Black as incredibly handsome. 

“Oh, you _do_ know what I mean,” Sirius sneered. From his back pocket emerged a copy of _The Tragic Life of Remus Lupin, Heroic Werewolf_ that looked as though it had been highlighted, ripped apart, and then set on fire. Somehow, he managed to still open it and find his place to the offending page. Clearing his throat, he read, _“Remus Lupin’s life was marked by the close friendships he had with other men, particularly Sirius Black. Lupin and Black were best friends at Hogwarts, creating the ‘Marauder’s Map’ along with James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. For the terrible thirteen years after the murder of the Potters, however, Lupin believed Black to have been a traitor.”_

“So?” Rita interrupted. “All of that is true. I interviewed Harry Potter himself, you know.”

“Yes, yes,” Sirius said dismissively. He continued reading. _“After a dramatic confrontation in Hogsmeade’s own Shrieking Shack, however, Lupin, along with Minister Granger, Ron Weasley, and Harry Potter, discovered that Black had been innocent all along, framed by Pettigrew for the betrayal of the Potters and the murder of twelve Muggles. Soon afterwards, Lupin and Black rekindled their close friendship, as seen in these letters excerpted below.”_

“I still don’t understand what I did wrong,” Rita said firmly.

“Did you even _read_ these letters?” Sirius’s left eye was twitching. He cleared his throat, reading again. _“Oh, Remus, how I long to finally see you again. It’s horrible, being on the run, but I’ll come back to you soon. All I have to do is get the Ministry off my trail, and then we can be together.”_

“And?” Rita cocked her eyebrow. “It’s a wonderful display of friendship, truly—”

Somehow, in the past five minutes, Remus had managed to materialize his own copy of the biography. _“Sirius, please forgive me for believing you were the traitor. I almost couldn’t bear it, for months afterwards. I sold every piece of furniture you ever owned in our flat, and I’m so sorry for that. I wish I’d kept some, but I couldn’t even stand to look at it, not even that horrible red lamp of yours. I kept the photographs, at least. Do you remember that summer after Hogwarts when we went to Barcelona together? I think that might have been the best summer of my life. All I want to do right now is hold you. Please, come back to me soon.”_

“A wonderful display of friendship,” Rita repeated.

“Fucking—” Sirius looked as though he was about to tear his hair out. “What kind of people are you friends with? _Remus, the next time I see you, give me your lips. I will worship them like my ancestors did the earth and the river, bless them with love and my undying affections._ Does this sound remotely like friendship to you?”

“Well,” Rita began uncertainly, “I believe that friendship can come in various different forms. These letters, after all, were written in a different time period than our own. It wouldn’t do to label them unnecessarily now.”

“The _authors_ of these letters are standing in front of you right now!” Sirius shouted. “And these letters were written in the 1990s, not the fucking 1890s! There is nothing remotely heterosexual about any of this!”

“But Mr. Lupin was married to a woman,” Rita said weakly.

“And both Remus and Tonks were bisexual! And I was _dead_ at the time! It’s not like we’re doomed to only ever love one person our entire lives!”

Remus nodded. “Sirius is right. I loved both him and Tonks, just in different ways.”

“Loved?” Sirius asked, leaning onto Remus.

“Love,” Remus corrected, pressing a kiss to the top of his forehead.

“Now please, please, correct this,” Sirius said, plastering an incredibly fake smile onto his face. “Otherwise, I’m certain that I could use my incredibly vast fortune to do so myself.”

Rita nodded, her face pale and drawn. This was worse than when Ginny Potter attempted to get Rita transferred to the Weather Forecast section. 

On a lovely April Thursday in 2021, an article was published in _The Daily Prophet_ entitled “Remus Lupin and Sirius Black: The Untold Tragic Love Story.” Their mission accomplished, Remus and Sirius technically could have returned to the dead, but as they were individuals with free will, they chose not to.

Instead, they spent the better part of the next century embarrassing their godson, getting married, setting up a video call system with those beyond the Veil so they could continue to talk to their still-dead friends, and gardening behind a little cottage in St. Asaph, Wales. Finally, all was well. 

**Author's Note:**

> the “give me your lips” section is taken from an Actual letter written by chopin to one of his friends. this can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/SapphoAndHerFriend/comments/hr3k0b/yes_very_heterosexual_indeed/. as you can tell, this fic is heavily inspired by the posts on the subreddit r/sapphoandherfriend, which is a Fantastic subreddit.
> 
> find me on tumblr @ alifeincoffeespoons.tumblr.com!


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